


Final Mission

by kitncat



Category: NCIS
Genre: AU ish, F/M, Final Goodbye, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Tiva, One Shot, Post-Season/Series 06, Pre-Season/Series 07, Reflection, Shortish One Shot, Song Lyrics, Song fic, TIVA - Freeform, Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 16:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19479817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitncat/pseuds/kitncat
Summary: Pre-season 7 Premiere analysis of what Tony might have been thinking.  Based on/inspired by September by Daughtry.ORTony relfects on his time with Ziva now that she's gone and he's heading to Africa to bring downt he terrorists who got her killed, and accepts what he knows will happen there, no matter what.





	Final Mission

_How the time passed away, all the trouble that we gave_  
_And all those days we spent out by the lake_  
_Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made_  
_One by one they vanish just the same_

Tony let out an all too weary sigh as he looked once more around his apartment. His mind was elsewhere though, back in a time long passed now. Or maybe it was only three months ago, he wouldn't know. A day seemed like a year without her.

Back then they'd been as close as two friends could be, maybe closer than that even - he was certain they'd crossed the just friends line long ago. All the days in the bullpen and squad room, serving out Gibbs's orders, or even somehow hanging out on the rare day off. He couldn't recall a day before three months ago that they had gone more than 24 hours without speaking.

Then Michael Rivkin had entered the picture and, one by one, their silent promises and understandings had disappeared. Then Tony had wound up killing the other man, Ziva had left NCIS, and Tony had expected a call in the couple of weeks following. Only radio silence until she'd been declared dead. All of Tony's promises - to her and himself - had vanished in those months, in those moments.

_Of all the things I still remember_  
_Summer's never looked the same_  
_The years go by and time just seems to fly_  
_But the memories remain_

He still remembered it all though. Anthony DiNozzo still remembered the first day she'd come into the squad room, a replacement for the late Special Agent Kate Todd. He'd hated her then, for what she seemed to be. The years had gone by though, time had flown by, and the memories of Kate never left but new ones were made with Ziva. Tony had come to realize rather quickly, within the first couple months with Ziva, she wasn't a replacement for Kate - she was just filling the spot Kate had left empty on the team in her own way.

Tony hated that now. He'd cared for Kate as a sister, and had done his best not to let another woman get close like that. And Ziva… Ziva had. She had forced her way in with little smiles and glances and messed up idioms that he or McGee always had to correct. And worse, she hadn't even realized what she had done to Tony, how much he'd come to care about her.

And now Ziva was gone. Just like Kate. Disappeared into the sea, never to be seen again. He knew he should let go of her, just like he did Kate eventually, but Tony couldn't bring himself to.

_In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain_  
_Nothing to lose but everything to gain_  
_Reflecting now on how things could've been_  
_It was worth it in the end_

No matter the time of day or night, Ziva had always been there. Whether it was needing someone to fill a last second spot, a partner on a case, or just someone to hang with on the rare day off Tony had always known he could call Ziva and chances were - with some persuading - she'd be there. It was a constant Tony relied on. They had never... Done anything... But there was more than one day where they had spent it just being friends, no Mossad or NCIS calling. Rain or shine, they'd do what they wanted to. Even playing in the rain once. Tony's idea really, after he saw a puddle and decided to splash her.

It was nice. Their days for them. He had known he loved her for years, but knew she'd never see him as more than a friend. Maybe like a brother if he was lucky, but not the way he loved her. Maybe, he thought, he should have taken that chance as they took shelter in a little diner after they were too cold to continue their water fight and kissed her, or told her that she was more to him than just a friend. But he hadn't. Because he hadn't wanted to mess things up, he hadn't wanted to lose her.

But now, Tony could only reflect on how things had been. And, despite his regrets on not telling Ziva how he felt, he decided it was all worth it in the end. Because he'd gotten as long as he could with her. And he could love her even now. Yes, everything was worth it in the end - for the best friend he could have.

_Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear_  
_So we made our way by finding what was real_  
_Now the days are so long that summer's moving on_  
_We reach for something that's already gone, yeah_

Tony blinked once, momentarily focusing on the present. Ziva dead, the terrorists out in Africa, the flight to Africa in the morning. Any fear he may have had disappeared. It all seemed so clear. He always knew he'd die an NCIS Agent one way or another, bust gone bad or someone out for revenge for some case from years ago. He never thought he'd die to simply join someone who'd already crossed to the other side. But he was willing now, and it seemed so clear.

They had made their way, day by day, by finding what was real - who was real. For Tony, it had been Ziva - had been Ziva since that first week. He had Jeanne Benoit at one point, yes. And he had loved her. But he'd admitted to himself a long time go that yes, he'd loved her, but she had always been second best - always would have been if they'd worked out.

Ziva had found Michael. Who, granted, had been a lying, scheming bastard. But Tony knew her well enough to know she had felt something for him - be it actual love or just strong affection. And he had been jealous of that. That she had found her first choice while he'd been forever longing after her.

Now the days were long, dragging on like years without Ziva and Tony thinks that maybe... Just maybe it would have been better to see her with Rivkin for the rest of his life than live without her. Talk about reaching for what's already gone. She was gone, Rivkin was dead, and yet... Tony would give just about anything to go back three months and find some way to _not_ kill Rivkin, another way to expose the lying snake to Ziva… Anything that meant she'd still be here.

_Of all the things I still remember_  
_Summer's never looked the same_  
_The years go by and time just seems to fly_  
_But the memories remain_

Of all the things Tony still remembered, one case during Ziva's first year at NCIS stood out among the brightest - and he remembered pretty much anything to do with his Mossad assassin. They had been undercover as wife and husband, and - despite falling in love with her quickly - it had been the first time Tony had admitted to himself he was in love with her. It had been one of the greatest times of his life, minus the almost dying part, to be able to treat Ziva like his for that short time. Something he would have loved to do again. Something he'd never get to.

Nothing had seemed the same since that case. He looked at her a little differently after that, simply because of the new admission of loving her. Years had flown by, but that memory and those feelings had never faded - no matter what time threw at them. Jeanne had been him settling, at least until that didn't work, but Ziva was there for him through that - offering comfort when Jeanne understandably dumped him after the truth came out. Ziva… He had never asked her to be there, she just was.

Tony sighed softly. He'd always have the memories of his days with Ziva.

_In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain_  
_Nothing to lose but everything to gain_  
_Reflecting now on how things could've been_  
_It was worth it in the end_

In the middle of D.C. winter, snow blowing, Ziva had called him around noon telling him her car wouldn't start and she needed a ride. He had, of course, agreed without hesitation and drove down to pick her up. Of course, the parking near her had been full so he'd had to park almost a five minute walk away. When he'd finally reached her she had seemed relieved and they had began the walk. About half way through her serious act slid and for some reason she decided to hit him in the side of the head with a snowball (she had later told him he had been too quiet, calm, and hadn't been smiling enough and she was making sure Tony was still there).

Of course, a whole snowball fight had ensued and he was sure they'd both ended up with snow in places they didn't know was possible through their layers - not to mention rolling around in the snow at one point after she'd tackled him. He'd dropped her off outside her apartment building, both of them shivering from cold despite blasting the heat in his car. He'd driven home and took a nice long hot shower, declining her offer to stay at her apartment for a while and drink some hot cocoa with her.

Reflecting now, he wished he had taken her up on that offer - just for that bit of extra time. But he knew that, even without it, it was all worth it in the end. No matter what.

_Yeah, we knew we had to leave this town (we knew we had to leave this town)_  
_But we never knew when and we never knew how (we never knew how)_  
_We would end up here the way we are_  
_Yeah, we knew we had to leave this town (we knew we had to leave this town)_  
_But we never knew when and we never knew how (we never knew how)_

Tony had always known that sooner or later he'd have to leave NCIS, had known that Ziva would too - either to return to Mossad or just regular retirement from it. But he had never known how. He had assumed, of course, that he'd die doing something related to a case - had honestly thought Ziva might as well. But nothing could have prepared him for what the reality would have been. Ziva would leave because of him, because he had hurt her, and then she would die on a mission she wouldn't have gone on if it weren't for him.

Tony had always known he himself would leave. He had always figured he'd die on American soil defending the Navy. Now he knew that he would indeed die an NCIS agent, but he wasn't going to die defending the Navy. Maybe in a round about way he was, but that wasn't the goal. The goal was to kill Ziva's killer, and then join her on the other side - whatever it was. He was ready for that, for death to come for him after he'd skidded around it so many times. He was ready to see Ziva again, no matter the cost. He had a feeling Gibbs already knew his secret grand plan, but the senior agent hadn't said anything - and if Tony knew Gibbs, he never would.

_Of all the things I still remember_  
_Summer's never looked the same_  
_The years go by and time just seems to fly_  
_But the memories remain_

A gun, aimed at him as she knocked the door open. A gun, aimed at his chest as she had him pinned to the ground before she pointed it at her own leg. Her face vanishing as the plane door closed while he just sat there, refusing to go out and beg her to come home with him. Her body, lost at sea with the Damocles.

Of all the things Tony still remembered, those things were by far the least pleasant of everything. The months had gone by and time seemed to drag on slowly, but fly at the same time. But every moment he'd ever had with Ziva stayed burned in his mind. NCIS, the navy base, nothing seemed the same. All he had were his memories and ghosts. 

_In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain_  
_Nothing to lose but everything to gain_  
_Reflecting now on how things could've been_  
_It was worth it in the end_

He sighed softly, they had been serious and they had been childish. Back then, in those moments, they hadn't had anything to lose because they knew the other would always make sure they won. On the other hand, they'd had everything to gain - a friend, a piece of themselves, and a family. Reflecting back now on not only Ziva but on everything at NCIS, Tony only knew one thing.

"It was worth it in the end." He murmured to himself in the dark of his apartment.


End file.
